Opening This Weekend: Remakes and Reboots (also, Canada)

It's true

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven't been around recently, but I'm in Canada on a business trip (feels nice to say that). Between the craziness here and the $20 a day the hotel charges for internet, I've been a bit out of the loop. Thankfully those nice Canadians don't put passwords on their wi-fi. This is a big weekend for movies, but first here's the movie related stuff I've done in Canada.

- Stopped in Toronto's Chinatown and bought a TON of $2 bootleg Asian DVDs. I think I own the entire collection of Akira Kurasawa films now.
- I didn't actually go in, but the Toronto International Film Fest (TIFF) has a really cool looking exhibition on Federico Fellini. I would have loved to have more time to see it. I guess I just have to settle with crappy musical remakes of his films.
- I'm also going to miss the Rue Morgue Horror Expo, Canada's biggest horror fest (feel free in insert a joke her, but it is seriously a huge fest), which starts the day I leave. I'm a very sad man, but I'll meet Elvira some day.
- But I did get to watch the great show Eastbound and Down, which Canada airs uncensored on its regular sports network The Score. I think they also show UFC Pay Per Views free just a few days after the fight. Awesome.
-Not necessarily Canadian, but Topless Robot has a list that makes me happy. The 11 Greatest Ray Harryhausen Monsters
-I found a radio station that plays Duran Duran 75% of the day, other 80s synthpop bands 20% of the time, and the Beatles and Bob Marley the rest of the time.
-Finally, I ate a ton of Tim Horton donuts.

Anyway, opening this weekend:

Conan the Barbarian - This looks amazing from the very short clips they show in the previews. Apparently, the full thing isn't too good. Conan has painted itself into a very interesting situation: This film is much closer to the source material than the previous movies, but Arnold has made himself into such iconic figure that his role as Conan overshadow's the original stories.

Fright Night - Another remake of a vampire movie which was really in perfect remake territory. Enough people know of the old movie to draw a crowd, but not too many people hold the original in too high of regards, so there won't be much fan backlash. Throw in Colin Farrell and Dr. Who, and you got a winner. Rotten Tomatoes says this is the weekend's winner by a huge margin.

Spy Kids 4-D - I don't care about this, but I love director's Robert Rodriguez style. He does an ultra violent movie and then a kids movie. Here, Jessica Alba plays a normal mom raising two kids, who just so happen to be spies. In RR's (hopefully) next movie, Sin City 2, Jessica Alba will play a stripper who kills people. I like the pattern.

One Day - Anne Hathaway stars and probably gets naked in this "mainstream indie" (whatever the hell that means) bomb. She fakes a British accent too, but as long as she doesn't rap again, it's all good.

Griff the Invisible - A super hero movie not based on a comic. I was about to give this a chance, until I read the tagline. "The greatest superpower is love." Nope.

Opening This Weekend: Tons of People Dying

None more tragic than theater goers this weekend.

Final Destination 5 - Here we go again. We have all seen this a million times before (well actually, four times before) and it is always the same deal. Let me save you a few dollars.

It starts with a big drawn out scene showing in detail the gruesome deaths of every poor person on the plane/highway/roller coaster/bridge. But then the main character wakes up and yells "We need to get off this plane/highway/roller coaster/bridge!" They do that; one of the other guys yells at him and says "You are crazy, nothing was going to..." and is interrupted by the plane/highway/roller coaster/bridge blowing up. Foreboding black man shows up and tells them you can't cheat death. One by one, each of the high school stereotypes are killed off. Each one has a very elaborate lead up with one little thing going wrong, which snowballs into a massive death trap. But the character always avoids the deathtrap, only to be killed by something little a second later. In the end, the hero rescues his girl from death, and they sit down to enjoy life. But something bad is happening behind them, and as soon as it is about to hit them, BOOM!, credits roll. Every time it is the same thing.

Despite my cynicism, these aren't too bad of films. They are very watchable just because of the absurdity of some of the situations. My only problem was the last movie was in 3D too, and did not take much advantage of the effects. Hopefully this does better, considering they can do pretty much anything. My other complaint is the numbering. The last film was simply called The Final Destination in an attempt to reestablish, if not purely reboot, the series. Yet now it goes back to numbers. What the hell Hollywood?

30 Minutes Or Less - Kenny Powers and Terry from Reno 911 strap a bomb onto Mark Zuckerberg and make him rob a bank. This is based loosely on a true story. Loosely because it implies American banks still have money. This is getting meh reviews, and to say it looks only meh is a compliment in my opinion, despite the strong following it has already built. I like the cast, I hate the director (Zombieland just isn't a good movie), but I can really get behind more comedies based off real crimes. Think of the possibilities: Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill are The DC Snipers. Fund it.

The Help - In a 1962 Mississippi, Emma Stone becomes great friends with the two black maids who raised her. The book it based on has been one of the world's top selling books for two straight years, so that should mean something. Did you know this is the third Emma Stone movie in four weekends? The odds are she has to be in a good movie eventually.

Glee: The 3D Concert Movie - I don't even want to figure out how many movies and TV shows Jane Lynch has been in the past month. My brain couldn't handle it. Then my brain hurt even more when I found out Jane Lynch is NOT in this movie. She even filmed scenes for it, and they were deleted. She's still in the commercials though. I dunno. This isn't anything special, just a video for the tour the Glee cast recently did. These concert movies are getting pretty popular with the kids these days, but why are they in 3D? Is Cory Monteith really going to jump off the screen at you? No, it is just a marketing ploy to...wait, why do I know Glee cast members?

Senna - A documentary about Ayrton Senna, one of the best Formula One racers ever. He died in a car accident, so he apparently wasn't that good. This is the highest grossing documentary in British history, but doesn't hold a candle to the grosses of Michael Moore. So films like Fahrenheit 9/11, Roger€ & Me, and  Bowling For Columbine show how America is simply the all around better country.

Opening This Weekend: Animals and Comedians Revolting

The Missing Link?

Rise of the Conquest of the Battle of the Escape of the Return of the Beneath of the Planet of the Apes -- This looks very good despite the studios shoving a stupid title down our throats, and the critics seem to agree so far. James Franco creates a smart ape, possibly while high, who in turn creates a ton more smart apes, and they overthrow humanity because the zookeepers make fun of them. We all knew Kevin James was going to be the end of us. WETA Workshop, the crew behind Lord of the Rings, Avatar, and District 9 among others, provided the special effects. That means the effects are very good. And Andy Serkis [pictured] (Gollum, King Kong) did the motion capture for the apes. That means the apes are more apelike than real apes.

The Change-Up --  Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman, two well off people, switch bodies. It's like the Prince and the Pauper, but instead it is the Prince and the Prince. It's not as exciting, and the critics again seem to agree. When I first saw a preview for this, it was immediately after Reynolds in Green Lantern (which may have been good if WETA was in charge of it) and Bateman in Horrible Bosses. It's like they combined the previews. Olivia Wilde, who was just in Cowboys & Aliens, is in this too, meaning this really is the chop suey of Summer movies.

Also, has anyone else noticed that the ads for new movies have octupled in the past few weeks? My theory is people think since Harry Potter made a billion dollars, their movie can too with enough advertising. Because we all know that is the only reason why people saw Harry Potter.

The Whistleblower -- Rachel Weisz plays a small town cop who joins the UN in Bosnia as they turn a blind eye to sex trafficking. Based on a true story. This was made as Oscar bait, but it is falling apart in the minds of critics. Needs more Ryan Reynolds, imo

Magic Trip -- A documentary about the Merry Pranksters who went on a road trip across America in 1964. In today's terms, it's about drug addicts escaping police jurisdiction. The Pranksters include Ken Kesey (author of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest), Neal Cassidy (Bono's character in Across The Universe), Jerry Garcia (of the Grateful Dead), and a few imaginary people they met on their acid trips. 

Bellflower -- New comer Evan Glodell directs and stars in a bleak film where he builds weapons just in case an apocalypse happens. A prequel to Mad Max? Sign me up. Seriously, this sounds great, and it is getting tons of praise on its unique film style. Made on zero budget, Glodell custom made a camera using other old camera parts, providing a dirty and raw picture. Look at this beast:

Wait, a Mac Book Pro? Ok, this is definitely not a zero-budget film.

What to Look Forward to in August

The Best film with August in the title. Also somehow, the worst film with August in the title..

Here is everything worthwhile coming out in August and then some.

Aug 5th
Rise of the Planets of the Apes (formally known as Conquest of the Planet of the Apes formally known as Rise of the Apes formally known as Caesar formally known as Caesar and the Rise of the Apes formally known as... they seriously need to just stick to a title)
A stoner (James Franco) becomes a scientist and makes smart monkeys. What do you expect to happen?This looks pretty good, but is there going to be anything left to see? The previews must have shown us the entire movie by now.
Hype Level = A million times Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes

The Change-up
An upper middle class white family man (Jason Bateman) switches bodies with an upper middle class white ladies man (Ryan Reynolds). What crazy shenanigans could they get into to?
Hype Level = New and Exciting </sarcasm>

Whisker Wars
A reality show on IFC about people trying to grow the world's longest beards. Yeah, it is a slow TV month.
Hype Level = Do I even get IFC?

Aug 12th
30 Minutes Or Less
A pizza boy (Jesse Eisenberg) gets and bomb strapped to him by two formally funny people (Danny McBride and Nick Swardson) . Based on a tragic true story. Except this is a comedy. From the director of Zombieland, which means it may not be a comedy after all.
Hype Level = People are really excited for this?

Final Destination 5
People Die. They "rebooted" the series after FD3 with The Final Destination, but now they are back to the old numbers. Seriously, just stick to a title.
Hype Level = Quite frankly, one of the best uses of 3D

Aug 19th
Conan The Barbarian
Jason Momoa from Game of Thrones plays pretty much the same character he did in Game of Thrones. Except with more killing and less walking. Probably the same amount of sex. Btw, this did indeed stick with the R rating after flirting with going soft.
Hype Level = Less than Arnold's Conan but more than Conan the Destroyer

Fright Night
Dr. Who is a vampire. He makes fun of those sissy Twilight vampires, but isn't that far away from one of those himself.
Hype Level = Don't care about Dr. Who or the original Fright Night, so they cancel out into being just ok

One Day
Anne Hathaway falls in love. It's like An Education but more gushy.
Hype Level = Unless I find a girlfriend quick, I won't be seeing this

Aug 23
Deus Ex: Human Revolution (PC, PS3, X360)
The cyberpunk prequel to the original Deus Ex, one of the finest video games ever made. More or less, it is the thinking man's first person shooter.
Hype Level = It looks great, don't let the classic gaming elitists get you down.

Aug 26
Our Idiot Brother
Lovable druggie Paul Rudd mooches off his sisters. It's like You, Me, and Dupree, but probably not horrible.
Hype Level = I wish Paul Rudd was my brother.  

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
Guillmero del Toro puts his name all over a movie despite having nothing to do with it. But he does have a good track record of picking out good movies. The Orphanage is a must see for horror fans.
Hype Level = OH MY GOD PLEASE stop showing the trailer late at night. I really want to get some sleep.

Aug 29
Death Valley
A new comedy/drama on MTV where the LAPD fights vampires and zombies and stuff.
Hype Level = What does the "M" in MTV stand for? Moronic? Moneyhat? I have no idea.

Sometime
NFL
Are you ready for some footbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal! The NFL owners and players finally agreed to a deal, so that solves one lockout. However, unlike the NBA, the NFL actually makes money.
Hype Level = I'm a Rams fan. There's no hype.

Back to School
Speaking as a college graduate, all these back to school ads are making me really depressed.
Hype Level = Summer Forever

Opening This Weekend: Hope You Like Aliens

Cowboys &. Aliens -- James Bond, Han Solo, and Oscar Wilde's imaginary granddaughter star in this comic-book movie by the former Iron Man director. I'm not 100% sure on the plot, but I think it has to do with aliens fighting the Dallas Cowboys. That explains how Jerry Jones looks like he leads The Syndicate in X-Files.  This films had tons of hype leading up to its premiere at Comic-con. Then people actually saw it. The verdict: At least it looks good.

Attack The Block -- This had the opposite effect. It slowly built up hype until it exploded at Comic-con. The Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead) produced flick has aliens landing in a British ghetto, something that doesn't please the gangs too well. One of the gangs is led by Wright mainstay Nick Frost, meaning UK gangs are much more fun than US gangs. This has won multiple awards already, as has been called a cross between District 9 and Reservoir Dogs. Well it just won another award for "Weirdest Comparison Ever". This recently got bumped up from a limited release, but it still may be hard to find at your local theater.

The Smurfs -- KILL IT WITH FIRE! I guess Smurfs are kinda like aliens, and this movie does look more dangerous than a Xenomorph invasion. The most prominent preview for this film has one of the Smurfs constantly making a vuvuzela sound, and the other characters are saying how annoying he is. Let me repeat, they are selling this movie by a scene that is so annoying, the people in the movie can't stand it. Why does this movie exist? Are Smurf fans really that vocal? Did the film studios think Yogi Bear, Underdog, Astro Boy, and all those other films flopping was just a fluke? Did they even watch the old shows? What is up with Papa Smurf's voice? This probably won't even have the blatant sexism that made the old series such a classic.

Crazy, Stupid, Love -- The previews for this move have been playing for months now. I am really surprised it is just now coming out. Steve Carrell, Ryan Gosling, Julianne Moore, Emma Stone, Marisa Tomei, Kevin Bacon, and a few less important people fall in love. There's a little crazy involved, but mostly stupid. The critics seem to like this so far, so I guess lightning can strike twice for this same creative team who made Bad Santa.

The Fut Ure -- Yeah, it is really stylized like that. Miranda July writes, directs, and stars in a semi-autobiographical tale of a talking cat (played by July) who tells July (played by July) what to do with her life. Have fun discussing this one at Starbucks.

The Devil's Double -- It's about Uday Hussein's body double. I only like this because of an inside joke. Too long, don't care: We lost trivia night because my best friend wrote down Rob Zombie's The Double Rejects. So I would love to run this title by him. Too bad that won't happen. That trivia ended our friendship.

Life in a Day -- A "time capsule" of people around the world recording their everyday lives. On one hand, this is an interesting premise. On the other, this sounds like the most boring movie ever.

Thundercats -- HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Cartoon Network is premiering the new Thundercats cartoon Friday (in just an hour actually). It looks so good, it makes me want to go back to the 80s and relive my childhood. It's the opposite of Smurfs, which makes me want to go back to the 80s and dip all those Smurf toys into vats of Aquadots.

Opening This Weekend: Harry Potter and the Final Cash Grab (Part 2)(In 3D)

It's Harry Potter!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 -- Some people may think it is blasphemous that I have never read a Harry Potter book or that I have only seen one Harry Potter movie (I did like it though, which makes it even odder that I've never seen any of the others). I say it is blasphemous that a movie can cast both Gary Oldman and Alan Rickman, and have neither of them play bad guys. 

I am happy to see the main trio of actors in all their TV interviews now. Despite being typecast for life, they are all very appreciative that they had those roles and are legitimately sad the series is ending. You can't say that about too many big series (I'm looking at you cast of Star Wars minus Anthony Daniels). 

I hope everyone who wants to see this already has tickets. Every single theater in the St. Louis area was sold out for the Thursday midnight showings, as well as the 2:30 a.m. showings, to the tune of some 270,000 seats. And some people think Transformers will out-gross this.


The Dark Knight Rises teaser -- This is almost as big of news as the new Harry Potter. The first teaser for the new Batman will show before HP, and people are going nuts. Some people have no idea what a "tease"r is. Enjoy your minute and a half of old footage, text, BRAAAM!s, and maybe MAYBE ten seconds of new footage.

Winnie the Pooh -- Ladies and gentlemen, this here is the stupidest decisions Hollywood has ever made. Winnie the Pooh is one of the most beloved creations of all time, and unlike so much other CGI remake crap nowadays, he retains his classic hand-drawn art style, in a film that is getting tons of love from critics all over. And they bury it under Harry Potter. Good show, morons.


Snow Flower and the Secret Fan -- An epic drama based on a Chinese masterpiece...which co-stars Hugh Jackman.

The Undefeated --  A documentary on Sarah Palin's rise to power. I guess serving a half term in a state which is virtually Canada is enough to get you a documentary.

Tabloid -- Another documentary, which is actually a much more fitting name for a Sarah Palin vehicle. But this one is about Miss Wyoming (a state that makes Alaska look like downtown Tokyo) and someone she kidnapped in 1978, or something. Its supposed to be great.

Salvation Boulevard -- This one is supposed to be horrible, but you would never tell from the synopsis. Greg Kinnear is a Grateful Dead fan turned born-again-Christian, and he is framed for murder by the town pastor, Pierce Bronson. Oh, and it somehow plays out like a Three's Company episode.

Phase 7 -- This Argentine film is a mix of Shaun of the Dead and [REC], except without the zombies. I have no clue how that works.

Breaking Bad -- Since I'm not a Harry Potter fan, I'm staying in this weekend. Good thing for me the best show on television returns on Sunday. Spoilers for the end of season 3: Did Jesse shoot him? Of course he didn't shoot him. How can so many people actually think he did.

The Walking Dead teaser -- AMC's second best show after BB. This is my pick for teaser of the weekend, as it has a chance of actually showing some meaningful new footage.

Opening This Weekend: Horrible Bosses and Horrible Movies

Horrible Bosses -- This is the most excited I've been for a non-Marvel movie in a long while. Three friends what to kill their bosses, who are presumably horrible. Film critics are calling this 9 to 5 for men. In other news, film critics missed the point of 9 to 5.

 This is getting great reviews, and it has an amazing cast. Charlie Day is playing a guy that makes me crack up every time I see him. Jason Bateman is playing a successful upper-middle class white guy with minor family problems aka every Jason Bateman character ever. Jason Sudeikis is playing a talented guy who should finally have his big break away from SNL. Kevin Spacey is playing a bad guy, the role he is best at (until he plays NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. But I guess he'll still be a bad guy). Jamie Foxx plays a brooding black guy. Donald Sutherland, Colin Farrell, Ron "The Best of the Blue Collar Comedy guys" White, and Bob Newhart all play... somebody. And of course there's Jennifer Aniston in what is shaping up to be the role of her career. To top it all off, this is being directed by Seth Gordon, who did the best documentary ever, The King of Kong. Two-time Donkey Kong world champ Steve Wiebe even has a role in this. If there are still any doubts, look no further than how long I've rambled on about this.

Zoo Keeper -- I really do like Kevin James, but this movie looks horrible. This was green-lit after Mall Cop became a runaway success. While I like Mall Cop more than most people would say, it was only a hit because it was released during one of the biggest movie droughts ever. Going up against Transformers? It doesn't stand a chance. At least they didn't blow Kevin James being fat out of proportion this time. He really isn't that big, and wore a fat suit for parts of Mall Cop.

The Ward -- The first film from horror master John Carpenter in ten years. The verdict...maybe he should have stuck to loaning out his old movies for remakes.

Ironclad -- Medieval film with an odd cast and a poorly thought out budget (they spent so much on the castle exterior, they couldn't afford to have anything inside). It wouldn't look too bad if it came out a a few years before Lord of the Rings. But now, compared with Game of Thrones, it looks like something SyFy would avoid.


The Chameleon -- A FBI agent searches for a missing kid after yadda yadda yadda. This looks so similar to The Changeling, they decided to practically give it the same name.

The Ledge -- A cop talks a jumper off a ledge. Apparently, it is Saw minus the gore. It is also apparently Saw minus the good, and Saw wasn't exactly swimming in surpluses of that to begin with.

Opening This Week: Toy Ads

First off, I am at a big job interview out of town. So sorry my posts have been less frequent this week (and it will probably be worse once I get my dream job). But I'll get to your comments soon. I also haven't had the time to see any movies lately. But I'm not missing much this week.

Cars 2 -- The sequel to what was by far the worse Pixar movie. Everyone knows Up is the best Pixar movie, but a grumpy old guy doesn't exactly make toys fly off the shelf. So there's a new Cars instead. Also, keep in mind, Monsters Inc 2 is next for Pixar, so with Toy Story 3, that is three sequels in a row from a company that prides itself on originality. I have no clue how much this is going to make at the box office with the way things are going. And remember, great Pixar movies like Wall-E and Ratatouille were relative failures compared to their budget.

But let's be honest. If Cars wasn't a Pixar film, this would be a movie starring Owen Wilson and Larry the Cable Guy. They should be lucky anyone saw this.

Bad Teacher  -- I'm torn on this movie. I love Jason Segel but I hate Cameron Diaz. I love the director (Walk Hard: The Dewy Cox Story) but I hate the writers (Year One). I love Justin Timberlake's acting, but I hate everything else about him. I don't know, but the other Hard-R comedies this summer look so much better.


A Better Life --  A gritty and realistic, as well as critically acclaimed so far, look at a father in a LA barrio trying to keep his son away from gangs. And this is all from the director of the Golden Compass and Twilight New Moon. Huh?

Conan O'Brien Can't Stop -- A documentary about a post-Tonight Show, pre-TBS Conan. I love Conan and all, but his new show is so sloppy and unfunny. Except for his skit Tyler Perry's Row 11. Great irony.

Turtle: The Incredible Journey -- One of those animal migration documentaries that are all the rage now (it's a sea turtle. The journey of a desert tortoise would be the worst documentary ever). The big shocker here? This is the first ever film produced by SeaWorld.

New to VHS 6/21

The Adjustment Bureau -- Did any of you see this? This Philip K. Dick adaption (Blade Runner, Total Recall, etc.) got pretty decent reviews. Everyone I know wanted to see this, but not enough to actually see it. Anyway, the plot is Matt Damon wakes up in the Truman Show and goes all Jason Bourne. Sounds good enough for a trip to Redbox.

Unknown -- The movie that might as well have been the sequel to Taken. Liam Neeson is in a car accident which scrambles his brain. He wakes up and goes all Oldboy. Except instead of those insane twists at the end, you get corn. Lots of corn. You might want to save your time Redbox.


Cedar Rapids --  A comedy starring Ed Helms and John C. Reilly which was in theaters for about a week. Everything I've seen about this has been good, but the reviews had a higher box office gross than the actual movie. If it is anything like the director's last effort, the criminally underrated Youth in Revolt, then this is a must see.

The Eagle -- An epic film about battles in ancient Rome which is fairly boring. I'm not even sure how that works.

The Closer: Season Six -- The season that won star Kyra Sedgwick her Emmy, but I'm sure you are all more interested in J.K. Simmons and Breaking Bad's Tuco.

Bunnyman -- This has some good hype to it, but the cover alone was enough to sell me. 

Rocko's Modern Life Season 1 -- Only $14 to own at Amazon or $5 to download. This was Nickelodeon's best cartoon. Watch it again when you are older and try to spot all the stuff they got pass the censors.  

Tons and tons of music DVDs -- I have no idea what the deal is, but there are tons of concerts and documentaries out today. Johnny Cash, Neil Young, Miles Davis, Radiohead, the Strokes, and more all have something. My best bet is to pick up Less Than Jake's Anthology DVD.

finally

Spine Tingler! The William Castle Story -- Remember this guy from my Vincent Price post? He is the P.T. Barnum of the film world, utilizing many gimmicks in his movies. He would hire screamers and fainters as well as ambulances and hearses, have skeletons fly over the crowds, give out special glasses that would hide ghosts on screen, and -- one of his strangest gimmicks -- actually make good movies. This documentary starring all the big horror icons of his day is a must own as far as I'm concerned.

Opening This Weekend: Mediocre Movies

Mr Popper's Pen-Pen is NOT a Mediocre Movie

There's been a ton of great movies already this Summer. So a weekend off may be good for us all. All three of these movies have been critically panned, with the sum of their Rotten Tomatoes averages being less than X-Men or Bridesmaids by themselves.

Since I've been talking Tomatoes alot recently, I should probably give my quick thoughts on the site. Their method of grading is a very flawed method, but it is also very easy to use. So I'll use it. Movie reviewing is a very screwed up industry right now, but it is in infinitely better shape than the video game reviewing industry. Now Gamerankings -- the Rotten Tomatoes of video games -- that site is a joke.

So where was I?

Green Lantern -- One of the biggest movies of the Summer has the mainstream press ripping it, and all the actual comic book fans disowning it. I'm sure the Ryan Reynolds fanclub will still enjoy it though. There are unconfirmed reports that this movie has a budget of $300 million, which may be true with advertising. But what we do know is WB added in an extra $10 million to clean up the CGI after the final draft was completed. Sounds like a confidence builder to me.


Mr. Popper's Penguins -- Believe it or not, the most critically acclaimed movie of the week by a longshot, with 43% at Rotten Tomatoes. This is Jim Carrey's fifth (!) movie based on a classic children's book. He's come a long why since talking out of his butt in Ace Ventura. I think the story lends itself pretty well to the big screen, and since everybody loves Penguins so much, I could see this becoming a decent success. But then again, it is post-2004 Jim Carrey.  


The Art of Getting By -- The reviews for this are actually making Green Lantern seem pretty good. This is an Indy romantic comedy like the ones that have been so popular among the hipsters nowadays. But unlike The Art of Getting By, most of those movies have well written characters, unique charm, and something close to a plot. This is just riding the Indy money train. Remember, hipsters sometimes have good taste. 


Buck -- A documentary on Buck Brannaman, the Horse Whisperer. Not nearly as entertaining as a documentary on Buck, the night nurse, from Kill Bill.


Page One: Inside the New York Times -- A documentary about newspapers and why they are going out of business. Running time: seven minutes.

Box Office, VHS Releases, and other Stuff I Missed

Well I'm back after a long weekend conference. Nothing too crazy happened in the movie world while I was gone, but I'll play some catch-up anyway.

--The Avengers movie poster got leaked. I'm pretty sure this is real, but fuzzy Hawkeye looks a bit too much like a Resident Evil 5 model. Still, I'm liking it.

--Super 8 was number one at the box office, making $36 million and finding tons of good reviews. While this movie had a very small budget of $50 million, this was still below most expectations. I mean, it is practically the sequel to ET, the fourth highest grossing movie of all time after inflation. The Summer of Flops continues. Maybe next time the producers will learn, and Super 9 will be exclusively in IMAX 3D with D-Box.

--X-Men was #2, bringing in $24 million for a total of $98m in two weeks. It still has a ways to go before it gets out of the red.

--Pirates 4 surpassed Fast Five as the year's highest grossing movie ($208 million), only for it to be passed by Hangover 2 ($215 million) in the same week.

--Someone asked where I get my box office stats at. That would be from Box Office Mojo.com, the best place for anything money-related with movies.

--Some definitive "Meh" movies were released today. Now you can own Battle: Los Angeles, Red Riding Hood, and Hall Pass if for some reason you want to own them. There's also Big Momma's House 3 if you really hate yourself. Jackass 3.5 might be good, until you consider it is basically a bunch of deleted scenes sold as a full movie. Your best bet would be getting Haven, the SyFy (I hate writing that) TV show based on a Stephen King western novel.

--At least there are a few decent Blu-ray releases today, namely Johnny Mnemonic, Point Break, and Heavy Metal.

--Michael Bay was inducted into the Transformers Hall of Fame, or something stupid like that. Also, sometime recently, Transformers 3 got moved back from July 1st to June 29th. It's moving the wrong way.

--The producers are considering giving the new Conan movie PG-13 rating now. This wouldn't be crazy news, but the first two trailers had nothing but blood and nudity.

--Sean Bean of Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings fame got stabbed at a pub in London. Boromir he is not, as he was fine and even continued drinking afterwards.

--Finally, the audition tape of Tom Selleck trying out for Indiana Jones surfaced. It is only like four seconds long -- and in Spanish for whatever reason -- but I almost have to say he would have made a better Indy than even Harrison Ford.

Opening This Weekend: Hotel Chains

The Actual Poster for the Film

I'm going out of town for a conference this weekend, so I won't be able to see any new movies. Good thing I already saw the main weekend movie back in 1985.

Super 8 -- JJ Abrams and Steven Spielberg present...one giant mash-up of 80s Spielberg films. I'm sure it is very good, but I'm trying not to pay attention to it. I think the less I know about this movie, the better. I was really into Cloverfield before it was released, and then I felt so empty when I knew what the monster looked liked before he even appeared. However, I probably am missing tons of cool JJ Viral Marketing. Was there any good ones?

Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer -- Here's one for the kids. I won't knock this, because when I was younger, I would have killed for a Wayside School movie. Then they made a Wayside School cartoon, and I actually wanted to kill people after that disaster.

Trollhunter -- The original Norwegian version. Think Cloverfield (interesting weekend to release this) or Blair Witch but with Trolls. Thankfully, they are the Jim Henson version trolls, not the naked ones with long hair, or the internet variety. I want to see this, but it is of course playing nowhere near me (but Serenity is for whatever reason. I sense an Abrams vs Whedon nerd war coming)

Viva Riva! -- Here's to keep your eye on. Too bad you won't be able to keep your eyes on it, since it is even in limiter release than Trollhunter. This is a highly acclaimed gangster movie from the Democratic Republic of Congo. It seems to have a Guy Ritchie (Snatch) vibe. It cleaned up at the 2010 African Academy Awards. In other news, there is an African Academy Awards.

The Trip -- A decent looking comedy about rival food critics. It stars Steve Coogan -- a very funny British actor whose only big American role was the director in Tropic Thunder -- Rob Brydon, and director Michael Winterbottom. The three of them tend to work well together a la Simon Pegg/Nick Frost/Edgar Wright.

New to VHS 6/7

Here are the new videos you can own today. I got you the Amazon link too. Notice, most of these link to the DVD version, because most of these aren't available on just Blu-Ray. Most of these are only on those stupid Blu-Ray/DVD Combo packs. Because we all remember how successful those DVD/VHS combo packs were.

True Grit -- A remake of a John Wayne Western that has been Coenified and Dudeified. This was a very good movie, and I'm very surprised it took this long for i to hit video. All the other Oscar nominees seemly hit the store shelves two days after the Academy Awards. Well this was better than most of them anyway.

Green Lantern: Emerald Knights -- A couple short Green Lantern tales interwoven into a big story. They did the exact same thing with Batman: Gotham Knights right before the Dark Knight came out. While DC hasn't quite gotten the live-action film down, they put out some great animated movies, and I'm sure this is one of them.

Superman Anthology -- Speaking of DC, they got this beast out on Blu-Ray today. Eight discs containing all five movies in addition to the famous Donner Cut of Superman 2. That leaves two more discs just for extra features. Definitely a gift for the die-hards.

Sanctum -- aka that movie that had James Cameron's name all over it, despite him having nothing to do with it. People get stuck in a cave and go crazy. No aliens or albino eye-less monsters anywhere in sight. It really sounds pretty good, and it's apparently one of the better 3-D movies out there. I guess that means there are more than two scenes that actually use 3-D.

Just Go With It -- Adam Sandler tries to trick Jennifer Aniston into thinking he's still relevant. Judging by its box office gross, I don't think it worked.

Happy Gilmore -- Adam Sandler's best film is out on Blu-Ray (is it really for the first time?) in hopes people may see this, forgot his past five films, and pick up Just Go With It. Also out today are Billy Madison and Bulletproof.

Breaking Bad Season 3 -- The best show on TV which has been on break for waaay too long. We are a little over a month away from Season 4. So make sure you watch this and be up to date of the cliff hanger at the end.

Burn Notice Season 4 -- The second best show on TV. Sadly, Season 4 wasn't exactly its best season.

White Collar Season 2 -- Own Season 2 for $30, or own Seasons 1 and 2 for $34. Why couldn't Amazon have this great of a deal with Breaking Bad?    

What to Look Forward to in June

Also what NOT to look forward to in June.

Here's are some of the better upcoming movies, games, TV shows, and music coming out next month. All dates are for the United States. I'm sorry we don't live on Pangaea anymore.

June 3rd
X-Men: First Class -- aka Mad (X) Men. I'm still somewhat torn on this. It has looked much better with the newer previews. However, it is missing the strongest suit of the other X-men movies: a good cast. And thats dealing with both actors and characters.




June 7th
White Collar (USA Network)
Covert Affairs (USA Network) -- aka USA's two weaker spy and odd-ball cop shows.

Breaking Bad  (Season 3 DVD)
Burn Notice (Season 4 DVD) -- aka the two best shows on TV right now. Well, not right now. That's why the DVD sets are coming out.

Frank Turner -England Keep My Bones -- aka the best songwriter today. Theres alot of good albums coming this month, but this folk-punk singer gets my top pick. He just barely beat out the new Limp Bizkit.

Infamous 2 (PS3) -- aka the follow-up to one of Sony's best games for the PS3. I think any good film buff would appreciate the twist ending to the original. Especially when you replay it, and you see it was all right in front of you the whole time. I just hope the PSN doesn't go down again.


June 10th
Super 8 -- aka ET meets the Goonies. This looks very good, despite there still being few details about it. J.J. Abrams has yet to let me down, but Steven Spielberg as of late is a different story. I just hope this isn't too big of a love letter to his 80s works.

Trollhunter -- aka Blair Witch/Cloverfield but with giant trolls.Here's one from Norway, the most popular non-US country on this blog (Thanks Rumiko!).  It looks great. I just hope it comes to a theater near me.



June 14th
Duke Nukem Forever (PC, PS3, 360) -- aka I'll believe it when I see it. Talk about development hell. This has been delayed and restarted and what not since 1997! So sad, because Duke Nukem 3D may be the best video game ever.


June 17th
Green Lantern -- aka Ryan Reynolds and the Great Green Acid Trip. I'm feeling better about this, but I can not see this getting wide-stream appeal at all. Ryan Reynolds is in a non-Ryan Reynolds role and there's hardly any other star power. However, there are no shortage of CGI fish people.

Mr Popper's Penguins -- aka Hasn't Jim Carrey ruined enough children's classics already? I'm pessimistically optimistic about this. It looks ok and it is a great story, but JC hasn't had an un-cringeworthy film in seven years.


June 19th
Falling Skies (TNT) -- aka Walking Dead but with aliens. This is getting alot of hate ever since it was announced, but I would love to see a solid alien invasion drama. Not like we've had any good alien invasion movies in the past ten years.


June 21st
F.3.A.R. (PC, PS3, 360) -- aka C.R.4.P. Any title that does that is instantly bad, but it is even worse when it does it to an acronym. It's a stupid title anyway: First Encounter Assault Recon? Aren't assaults and recons polar opposites?


June 24th
Cars 2 -- aka the sequel to Pixar's worst movie. Dare I say only bad movie? Everyone used to love Pixar because of how original they were. Before this, we had Toy Story 2.5 and next we have a Monsters Inc. prequel. What happened?


June 26th
True Blood (HBO) -- aka Twlight with sex. Seriously, how can anyone hate Twlight and turn around and like this. Same crap, with an even worse author. Atleast these vampires actually die in the sun.


June 28th
Lord of the Rings: Complete Extended Edition (Blu-Ray) -- aka one 13 hour movie.

Opening This Weekend: Hung Over Pandas

This guy knows how to party!

The Hangover Part II -- aka Bridemaids for men. The comments here give me the impression most of you weren't a big fan of the first one. The Hangover was amazing. I've seen it maybe ten times now and I still laugh like crazy at it. Well the reviews are saying the sequel is exactly the Hangover Part I. I don't think that is a bad thing, but most people aren't enjoying it too much. Whatever, I'm still seeing it tonight. Impression then.

Kung-Fu Panda Part II -- Despite my love for kung-fu and pandas, I never saw the first one. It might be good, but I'm doubting it. The ads for the sequel are really well done however. Besides spoofing Paranormal Activity and Jackass, they are making an effort to show this does have the funny Seth Rogan and Danny McBride to go along with the unfunny one hit wonder Jack Black. Still, attendance so far is down very low so far, and it is already being called a bomb. Ouch.

The Tree of Life -- Sadly, this is not about the nine realms in Norse mythology. It's a period piece drama about growing up. Brad Pitt and Sean Penn (could have sworn he retired) star. This recently won the best in show Palme d'Or award at Cannes, which means it has nothing to do with loving Hitler.

New to VHS 5/24

I haven't done one of these in awhile, mainly because nothing good has been released in the last few weeks. However, there are a few gems this week.

Childrens Hospital -- This is in the running for best comedy on TV. Now you can own the first two seasons of this brilliant hospital drama parody. At first, I hated all live action shows on Cartoon Network simply on principle. But after watching some of them, I hated them because they were terrible. Seriously, how can anyone enjoy Tim and Eric? I guess that is why they made drugs.
This show is great however, and it took me a few episodes to really appreciate it. Rob Corddry is hilarious, but badly miscast in the past. And Malin Akerman may be the most beautiful girl in Hollywood today. Also, this show has the Fonz. Buy this.

Gnomeo and Juliet -- Don't buy this. I'm only bringing up cookie cutter CGI movie #30724 because my local drive-in theater loves it so much. For those of you who don't know, since drive-ins are near extinct nowadays, they all show double features. This opened up with Thor and now it is with Pirates, even though it is already out on video. On the other screen, they are showing Kung-Fu Panda teamed up with Fast Five. They are doing it wrong!

I Am Number Four -- Apparently this "Twilight for aliens" movie isn't terrible. But I'm not about to watch it. Also, Sharlto Copley from District 9 was in this as an alien, but quit after the director refused to give the aliens Spock ears, or something really stupid like that.

Solaris: The Criterion Collection -- The original version. This is just like 2001, except longer, slower, and Russian-er. Sounds thrilling.

The Great Dictator: The Criterion Collection -- Another classic. This was Charlie Chaplin's first non-silent film. It was also the first film to make fun of Hitler, all the way back in 1940.

The Big Bang -- Antonio Banderas, Sam Elliott, Snoop Dogg, and Mr. Dawson's Creek. How this skipped theaters is a complete mystery to me.   

Operation Condor -- aka Armor of God 2, not to be confused with Operation Condor 2 aka Armor of God 1. Confusion aside, this re-release is Jackie Chan's Best Movie. Also out today are Chan's Twin Dragons and the other Condor film.

Transformers - The Complete Series -- I'm not a big fan of the robots in disguise, but 98 episodes on 15 dvds for $60 seems like a great deal.

and course

The Royal Wedding -- I am so happy we killed Osama bin Laden when we did. Not to end his "reign of terror", but to end the media's coverage of terror of the Prince somebody and Kate whatsherface.

Opeming This Weekend: Pirates...and thats about it



Which idiot picked this weekend to release my movie?



Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides - Dadadunun  dadadunun dadadunun dadadum. Dadadunun dadadunun dadadunun dadadum. Dadadunun DADADUNUN dadadunun dadadum. Say what you will about this series, it has the best music this side of John Williams.

So it's gametime. How much does this make opening weekend? I'll say about $96 million. PotC 1 made $46m, 2 skyrocketed up to $135m, and 3 brought in a whopping $140m.


Midnight in Paris - Woody Allen's 42nd film! Rotten Tomatoes likes it, something they can't say about most of his works this millennium. His last good movie? Vicky Cristina Barcelona, in which current Pirates star Penelope Cruz won an Oscar for. Anyway, this movie is about Owen Wilson, Adrien Brody, and a few other boring actors going to Paris. Maybe they won't come back.


Louder Than A Bomb - A critically acclaimed documentary about...poetry? Meh, give me a documentary about Woody Allen's life. Then we have a movie.

Opening This Weekend: Bride of Hangover

Natalie Portman is sitting this bachelorette party out 

Bridesmaids -- It's like the Hangover. Except for girls. Also, not as funny. I would completely rule this out, because it looks like it is just about girls being raunchy and "unlady" like with no real story or humor. However, it amazingly has a 91% at Rotten Tomatoes. Also Kristen Wiig is hilarious, so maybe there actually is a good movie here. I'm sure there are much worse films to have a girl drag you to.

Priest -- Based on the hit Korean comic book. Whoever said that doesn't exactly understand the meaning of the word hit. Besides, if they really wanted to do a Korean vampire movie based on a comic, they should have gone with the infinitely superior Rebirth. Anyway, this looks better than most of the other annual vampire action movies we have gotten the last few years. I also didn't think Legion (director Stewart's first movie) looked too bad either. I have never seen so much nothing happen in movie before.

Hesher -- This has been getting some good hype. It's been out for awhile but it is finally hitting somewhat-wide release. It stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a junkie.It also stars Natalie Portman in her fourth film of the year. She was getting them all in before she hit full motherhood.

Everything Must Go -- I'm not a big Will Ferrell fan (he's only good in small doses) but his comedies can always guarantee a few laughs. His indy films such as this and Stranger Than Fiction can only guarantee you boredom and self-hatred.


Go For It! -- Because it's been a few weeks since the last urban dancing movie came out.

I believe that's everything for the weekend. I think your best bet is to just see Thor ag...wait, there's one more movie coming out. And it's a doozy...

Opening This Weekend: Thooooooooooor!

Thor - If you aren't excited for this movie, you really need to check your pulse. The latest film based on a Marvel hero is about a god from... Wait a minute, did they copy off the Social Network poster?

 Possibly. All I know is Chris Hemsworth and Jessie Eisenberg both have huge noses.


Something Borrowed - The plot was for sure borrowed.
Jumping the Broom - Isn't there already a Tyler Perry movie in theaters?


If you see either of these movies instead of Thor, I'm going to have to kindly ask you to leave my blog.


Hobo With a Shotgun - I have no idea what the plot of this is. It's the second fake trailer from Grindhouse to be made into a full length film, after Machete. If they will only make Werewolf Woman of the SS.  This has been out in certain cities for awhile, and has long been leaked onto the internet. But for whatever reason, I still haven't seen it.

Passion Play - Megan Fox, Mickey Rourke, and Bill Murray star in what is being considered one of the worst movies of all time. This is actually coming to DVD just weeks after it hits theaters.

The Beaver - This movie has taken on epic portions. It's about a guy who brings a beaver puppet everywhere to help him out in his family life. The script has existed for years, and it has been voted twice as the best movie not yet made. But people deemed it unfilmable. Well they finally found the perfect director in... Jodie Foster?  If that isn't enough to get you interested, did I mention Mel Gibson plays the beaver guy? Art really does imitate life. 

New Releases for 4/29/2011

5 Fast 5 Furious

Just when the world didn't have enough stupid titles, here comes Fast Five. The previews say it's the best one yet, and I'll just have to take their word for it. Apparently, the Rock is the main character in this one, and there are spin-off plans with him in mind. Possibly a good idea. The Rock is a really talented, but poorly casted, actor. It's good to see him back in action movies (Walking Tall and the Rundown are great underrated flicks), and apparently Faster (somehow, not a Fast and the Furious spin-off) isn't too bad despite flopping at the box office.

Hoodwinked Too! Hood VS. Evil

Just when the world didn't have enough cookie cutter 3D CGI crapfests, here comes this. Apparently the first Hoodwinked (which came out way back in 2006. Five years is forever compared to most of these CGI cash-ins) was good. But it also had Anne Hathaway, who has gotten slightly more popular in that time.

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night

This doesn't look horrible, despite the bad reviews. The general consensus is it's a pale imitator to the comic book, but since the majority of America has never read the Italian comic, that shouldn't be a problem for most people. I'll reserve my judgment until I see it, but I can tell you for sure it isn't as good as the amazing Cemetery Man/Dellamorte Dellamore, the first Dylan Dog movie.

Prom

A Disney movie aimed at teens and Glee fans that was made for nothing. It's times like this when I cherish my Disney stock.

Cave of Forgotten Dreams

A 3D documentary by Warner Herzog that's probably opening on three screens at the most this weekend. Since those screens aren't anywhere around here, watch his appearance on the Boondocks instead.