Box Office Round Up: Pirates Plunder Puns

Blow Johnny Depp has nothing on real Johnny Depp

In a surprise to nobody -- maybe former director Gore Verbinski was a bit shocked -- Pirates took home number one for the weekend in demanding fashion. It made $90 million, or 1,049,535,000 pieces of eight. I guessed $96, but since none of you took a shot, it looks like I won. This is double what PotC 1 made, but nowhere near the Pirate-mania that once was (although Pirate-mania is still running wild in the rest of the world, as it made $256 overseas just this weekend). Remember, PotC 2 once had the highest opening weekend ever. It still beats out Fast Five for the biggest opening of 2011.


Bridesmaids stayed at #2 with $21 million, only down $5 million from last week. #3, 4, and 5 were Thor, Fast Five, and Rio which have now made $145m, $186m, and $131m US life to date respectively. Then at #6 is Priest, which now has hit $60m worldwide and has thus broke even.

Finally, Woody Allen's Midnight in Paris finished #12 in limited release. And that is very limited release. Six screens! And yet it still made $580,000, which comes out to $96,500 per screen -- five times what Pirates made on 4100 screens. Beware the wrath of Woody.

Keira and Johnny's Dirty Little Secret

I might as well ride the Pirates hype boat like everyone else, and point out a scene from the original PotC movie which I believe went over most people's heads.

There is a part where Keira Knightley's and Johnny Depp's characters are stranded on an island. Thankfully for Keira, she has her favorite pirate by her side: Captain Morgan. They get drunk. Flash ahead to the morning, and Jack wakes up to Elizabeth burning all the rum. But something for sure happened inbetween there.

Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swann had sex.

Let's look at the evidence. One, he have a young drunk girl spending the night with Johnny Depp. Nothing more needs to be said there. Two, after they get rescued, Jack goes for one of his sarcastic remarks, and is immediately cut off by an angry Ms. Swann before he can finished his sentence. Finally, at the very end of the movie while Jack is running away, he turns to her and says "It never would have worked out between us anyway."

Read between the lines. This is the closest you will ever see to sex in a Disney movie. Well, until PotC 3 when Keira goes after Orlando Bloom.  Man, she broke the hearts of every teenage girl in America. Twice.

Opeming This Weekend: Pirates...and thats about it



Which idiot picked this weekend to release my movie?



Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides - Dadadunun  dadadunun dadadunun dadadum. Dadadunun dadadunun dadadunun dadadum. Dadadunun DADADUNUN dadadunun dadadum. Say what you will about this series, it has the best music this side of John Williams.

So it's gametime. How much does this make opening weekend? I'll say about $96 million. PotC 1 made $46m, 2 skyrocketed up to $135m, and 3 brought in a whopping $140m.


Midnight in Paris - Woody Allen's 42nd film! Rotten Tomatoes likes it, something they can't say about most of his works this millennium. His last good movie? Vicky Cristina Barcelona, in which current Pirates star Penelope Cruz won an Oscar for. Anyway, this movie is about Owen Wilson, Adrien Brody, and a few other boring actors going to Paris. Maybe they won't come back.


Louder Than A Bomb - A critically acclaimed documentary about...poetry? Meh, give me a documentary about Woody Allen's life. Then we have a movie.

Pirates vs Pirates vs Pirates

4 Pirates 4 Caribbean (Or is it Caribbean?) is set to open this weekend. It has been plagued by directorial problems, studio conflicts, actors not returning, and Johnny Depp just being mad. So sadly, it probably won't turn out as good as the old trilogy. However, those are some big pirate boots to fill, as the first three are all amazing movies. Pitting them against each other is a much tougher task than some series as they all have great strong points. So after thinking about it for a couple long minutes, I've decided to go with: 3 > 2 > 1.

PotC 3 At World's End would be my hands down top pick. The entire final battle is epic in every way imaginable. The first fight is very well done too, and I lol hard every time that midget fires the gun even though I know it is so stupid. Also we got a full movie of both Geoffrey Rush and Bill Nighy, with even a little Chow Yun-Fat (if very little). And without a doubt, it has the best post-credits scene ever. No amount of Samuel L. Jackson talking loud could capture the emotion in those few seconds at the end. I can't believe how many people walked out before then, despite both previous PotC movies having post-credit scenes.

Even though PotC 3 has the best scenes of the trilogy, it also has some of the worse. Every scene involving multiple Johnny Depps was completely worthless and they were shoehorned in just to please the little girls. There are some annoying plot-holes, namely why Depp wasn't still inside a giant octopus. And can someone please tell me why that Voodoo girl grew really big and turned into a bunch of crabs? What did that accomplish?

PotC 2 comes next, and I have to say Keira Knightley carries this one better than any of the other actors. The strongest parts of this film were when she was dressing up as a guy and sneaking around with the other pirates. But Davy Jones and the Kraken really help move this one too. Mr Jones has such a cool, unique, and insanely detailed ship and crew, leading to some of the best ever usage of CGI. Graphic artist people really need to take note of his boat. And the Kraken gave us possibly the best sea monsters scenes ever in film (why aren't there more sea monsters in film?) Also, when that Kraken was released, it didn't come with a unfunny and forced meme.

PotC 1 is the weakest in the action and special effects categories, but that's only because the filmmakers were expecting such a huge hit. It does make up for this with some great character relations all throughout. The opening scene with young Will and Elizabeth is about as perfect of a prologue as you will ever see. And the scene when you first meet Captain Jack Sparrow -- camera zooms in on him on the mast with the sunset in the background as the music picks up, then the camera zooms out to show a sinking dingy -- will go down as of the the all time greatest. Remember in my Leon review I stressed how important character introductions are, and PotC has no shortage of great ones. Sadly, the last act kinda drags, putting the first as the worst, but that is still a very strong bronze medal.

PotC 4 looks a bit better with every preview, and I am feeling pretty optimistic. Some people are upset with the lost of Keira and Orlando Bloom. I am impressed they are sticking to their guns. I mean MAJOR POTC3 SPOILERS he is dead and she has a kid now. Granted, Johnny Depp died twice during the series but whatever END SPOILERS.

However, there's one thing that has me worried, and that so many people overlooked. The main characters of PotC 1-3 are William Turner and Elizabeth Swann. Everything that happened in the series somehow revolved around them. Jack Sparrow was just along for the ride. He was almost even the comic relief character. All three are great actors, and there is still plenty of story left with Jack and Barbossa, but I just hope it doesn't take a turn for the worse with Jack solely in the spotlight.

Rotten Tomatoes has PotC 4 currently at 36%. That may sound bad, but it isn't much lower than the last two (54% and 45% for 2 and 4). Besides, Bridemaids is still at 89%. RT is never the go to site.

So have fun at the Midnight premiers and this weekend. Tell me how it is, but don't spoil it. It may be a bit before I can get to the theater myself.   

Pirates of the Cariwhaten?

My computer died on my TWICE today, and I'm all ready to chuck it through the window. Yeah, I hope it's reading this too. Anyway, short post today.

So Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides is coming out soon. A couple of things. First, I'm really surprised they didn't take the route of Fast and the Furious and Final Destination, and name the fourth installment "The Pirates of the Caribbean", with no subtitle. Second, while this began as a trainwreck, it is looking better with each new trailer. And third, I've been noticing this ever since Dead Man's Chest, the previews refer to these movies simply as "Pirates".

Now there are two possible reasons for this. Remember, Disney is smart. Long and complicated titles tend to go over people's head. The attention span of today's youth is very small, (I'm probably already in TL:DR territory here). So they figured Pirates was easier to remember.

The other possibility is, Caribbean is a complicated word. How people pronounce it is split nearly 50/50 on the dot. Is it Care-a-bee-in, or is it Car-rib-bee-in? I'm sure there is a few people out there who would even say it Car-a-bean. If that trailer comes on and says it the wrong way, it just alienated half its fanbase. Remember, Disney is smart.

TL:DR - How do YOU pronounce Caribbean?


BTW, that crazy picture is of the Great Blue Hole. Its in Belize and it is one of the biggest tourist destinations in the Care-a-bee-in.