Monday, May 2, 2011

Osama bin Laden is DEAD!

Osama bin Laden is dead!!! Sure, it may be a year or two or ten too late, but we finally got him. We can all sleep well now knowing that terrorist is finished and peace will reign forever.

Maybe now that he is gone, Hollywood will feel safe to exploit him in films. So if that's the case, here's the top ten actors who should play Osama.

10. Naveen Andrews
Of course, Osama isn't exactly intimidating in person. But Hollywood will change that by adding a hulking powerhouse. Chances are, he's going to be fist fighting the Rock at the end anyway. Also, in typical Hollywood fashion, they will be very racist about it. Case in point, Mr. Andrews, a British actor with Indian roots best known for playing an Iraqi terrorist in Lost.

9. Alan Moore
Ok, not an actor at all, but Hollywood has driven him to become an evil-doer. Besides, he has enough beard for all of Al Qaeda. After being screwed over by the makers of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and V for Vendetta, he has declared Jihad on all films. His first terrorist attack? The box office gross of Watchmen.

8. Danny Trejo
While Sayid was only somewhat physically imposing, Machete here is full out terrifying. Just cut off some of that hair and glue it on his mustache. Trejo is so used to using knifes in his films, a box cutter should come naturally. And yes, he is not Arab at all, but I believe he played a Arab-Mexican in a Larry the Cable Guy movie. I'm not sure, because that would involve me seeing a Larry the Cable Guy movie.

7. Eminem
He gets a few extra points for being one of the few people to have exactly played Osama bin Laden before.
I know for sure if he was cast, those empty threat home videos Al Qaeda kept putting out would be a lot more entertaining.

6. Kal Penn
More proof Hollywood doesn't know the difference between the Middle East and India, Penn could actually preform double duty in his film. He can play both Osama and himself, now that he is the White House's Assistant Director of Public Engagement. It would of'course end with a giant fist fight between himself. Amazingly, that would not be the most confusing movie he's done.

5. Sacha Baron Cohen
By far, the greatest scene in Bruno was when he was interviewing a real terrorist. He gave him some advice, "Lose the beards, because your King Osama looks like a kind of dirty wizard... or a homeless Santa." That was followed by him running for his life out of the interview, and then the terrorist suing him. I'm not sure about you, but I think Cohen could pull off a great Homeless Santa in one of his pseudo-documentaries. Let's see what those full blooded Texans from Borat think of him then. 

4. George Clooney
This may be my only serious entry on this list. It's a shame too, Hollywood will never let its biggest star play America's biggest enemy. But look at him. He had the look down in Syriana, and that won him an Academy Award. All I can guess is that if Clooney ever did play Osama, it would either make him the greatest star of all time, or it would absolutely kill his career, with nothing in between at all.

3. Gary Oldman
Oldman is the greatest on-screen villain of all time. He's the perfect bad guy in Leon, Air Force One, the Fifth Element, Dracula, and plenty of others. But he doesn't get enough credit for his non-fiction bad guy portrayals. He first made it big as Sid Vicious (he killed Nancy), hen he was Lee Harvey Oswald (he killed JFK), and he even played Pontius Pilate (he killed Jesus). Its time to add another bad guy to his résumé, as he definitely has that killer instinct. And speaking of Jesus...


2. John Turturro
Picture yourself watching the Big Lebowski. Now replace all of Turturro's scenes with Osama bin Laden. The best movie ever just got even better. 
(It works just the same with Transformers as well. Minus the "best" part) 

1. OJ Simpson
This is the match that was made in hell. Remember, the Juice was quite the actor back in his day, being in such comedies as Naked Gun, Back to the Beach, and the OJ Simpson Trial. Sadly, this could never happen because one, he found out you can only escape fate once. And two, the audience will fall in love with him again just like they did in the 90s, and be cheering for Osama. That wouldn't work. Still, I dream of the day when I can watch Blackhawk helicopters chase after a white Ford Bronco at 30 mph.  


  1. Hilarious!
    Followed, keep it up! :-)

  2. Wheres Nicol Cage? ;D just kidding nice blog you have here! followed

  3. I nearly spilled my drink all over my keyboard in humor.

    Certainly harkens to mind.

  4. can't wait for team america 2...


  5. Good to hear, although I doubt it'll stop terrorism.

  6. Thanks everyone. I love that Bean pic. And Nic Cage wouldn't be too bad, he plays crazy characters pretty well.

    And I can't get the Team America theme out of my head!

  7. lawl cuz obama shot binladen right? xD

  8. Funny, funny, funny stuff. I vote for Borat as SBL.

  9. yeh i bet we both stole the pic from the same place :P

  10. Is anyone else slightly disgusted with the fact that people are cheering in the streets over the death of someone? I mean I know it was Osama, but still...

  11. Sacha Baron Cohen as Osama.


    Thats all I'm going to say on that.

  12. Jonny Depp As Osama

  13. @Dav0h! Yes. I can see that too. Also it has to be a romantic comedy mixed in as well.

  14. Funny picture but America is just so ignorant to see the whole picture ... all they see is a dead terrorist and nothing more.

  15. but who plays obama? will smith???

  16. 10 years to find that madafaka xD

  17. I personally vote for Sacha Baron Cohen. Already chased out from an interview and sued by terrorist didn't even know him.

    And he can sure stay in character, haha.

  18. Haha, oh man, this was one of the best blog posts i've ever seen. Awesome, dude. My vote goes to Trejo!

  19. I'm quite happy about this =]

  20. The world together lets out a collective sigh of release, before bracing again for retaliation

    A shame we cannot enjoy this victory by lying out in the sun with our asses exposed

  21. I totally agree with Naveen Andrews and Kal Penn, you should add Dev Patel (well, an older Patel...)
    Nice post anyway!

  22. That'll shut the opposition up for a while, at least.

  23. i still wonder if he is really dead

  24. Haha good post, pictures made it.

  25. great post :D haha i loughed my ass up to this ^^ nice one