Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Top Ten Acting Jobs of Shaq

Good thing he isn't Dr. Shaqhatten

First off, my internet sucks and I couldn't get on yesterday.

Second, you may have heard the news that the biggest (quite literally) basketball star of the post-Jordan-in-his-prime era, Shaquille O'Neil, has called it a day. The 7'1, 325 lbs, 39-year-old all-star is retiring after 18 seasons and 28,596 points, good enough for fifth all time. He played for the Orlando Magic, the LA Lakers, and...wherever the hell he was at these last four years.

In addition to him retiring during the NBA Finals, two hockey players called it quits and an entire team moved countries during the Stanley Cup Finals. Can't these people wait a week or two till the off-season?

So you may be wondering why I bring this up on a movie blog. Well, Shaq was quite the star off the court too. He must have been in more films than any other athlete while they were still playing.  Now that he has some free time, maybe he can bless us with even more film appearances. We can only hope so. So here are the top ten acting roles by Shaquille O'Neil.

#10 Steel

I think it is safe to say that Marvel puts out better comic book movies than DC. Part of that reasoning is because Marvel isn't stupid. Well while DC's (pre-Nolan) Batman was still somewhat popular at the box-office, they decided to go with another superhero, The Man of Steel. Wait, I'm sorry, just Steel. Superman would have made too much sense. Shaq plays the "blue-collar Batman" who wears a suit made of steel and fights crime with a giant hammer. Think of your least favorite superhero movie ever. This one is worse. This movie smashed up the box-office, making about a tenth of its $16 million budget.

#9 Kazaam!

Shaq plays a wisecracking Genie, who he constantly explains he is less powerful than a Djinn. So glad they addressed that point. The movie involves a boy wishing for it to rain junk food, Shaq turning a bad guy into a ball and dunking him into a trash compacter, and of course a little kid falling down an elevator shaft to his death. No idea why this movie didn't go over too well.

#8 Blue Chips

Before Kobe and Shaq, there was Nolte and Shaq! From the acclaimed director of the Exorcist and the French Connection comes this movie about corruption in college basketball. Shaq's character (named Neon Boudeaux. That's one classy stripper) is given a Lexus by coach Nick Nolte, and he pays for Penny Hardaway's character's (named Butch McRae. Ok, now they are just being goofy) mom's house. This wasn't a horrible film, but come on, a film about corruption in college basketball? Why not make a film about breathing, or plumbing, or something else we have to deal with every day?

#7 Freddy Got Fingered

While Shaq didn't take home the Razzie Award for Worst Picture with Steel, he got to share it with Tom Green in this cult classic for the ages. I have no idea what the point of this movie existing is, let alone the point of the movie's plot. But Shaq has a scene in which he is laying in bed with Green's mom, talking about his pierced nipples, doing crouch thrusts to the camera. I'm doing you a favor by not posting a pic, because once you see it, you can't unsee it.

#6 every movie with a basketball scene

Does the movie have a scene with the characters watching a professional basketball game? Was the movie released after 1994? Then Shaq is there. Trust me.

#5 Shaq-fu

Ok, so it's hard coming up with ten Shaq movies. Let alone ten Shaq things that are passable as movies. So I'm throwing a video game in. Shaq-fu is a 2-D fighting game where he must battle an evil mummy. Come to think of it, his film roles are better than his game roles. This is the worse game ever. Worse than ET. Worse than Superman 64. Maybe even worse than Big Rigs. This game is so bad, some websites have a word filter that changes the F-word to Shaq-fu. That's how bad this is. Don't even ask how it got to #5.

#4 Scary Movie 4

This is better. He was part of the best scene in this parody which, unlike most "Movie" movies, didn't quite go off the deep end. He and Dr. Phil played Saw victims chained up at the beginning. Shaq's task to escape, he has to hit a free throw (get it, because he can't hit one to save his life in a real game). His bones are found at the end, and are the size of dinosaur ones. See unlike most parodies, they tried to make a joke instead of just mentioning famous people.

That is just begging to have Shaq photoshopped in. But between my lazyness and weak computer...

#3 Terminator 2 3-D

James Cameron worked with 3-D long before Avatar. This 12 minute show at Universal Studios reunites Linda Hamilton, Edward Furlong, Robert Patrick, and of course Arnold Schwarzenegger in what is easily the best 3-D show ever (also the most expensive per-minute movie ever). Seriously, you must see it before they "Star Tours 2"ify it, and with Arnold's current image, that may be sooner than later. Anyway, there is a pre-show that acts as a PR video for Cyberdyne that shows all the great things they can do their technology. One of the things they show is Shaq using their cyber-contact lenses to actually hit a free-throw (get it, because he can't hit one to save his life in a real game). I do like it that Shaq can laugh at himself, and all his best roles are exactly that.

#2 This

Who says he can't act?

#1 Shaq's Rap Career

Somehow besides his playing career, his acting career, his law enforcement career, going back to school, and even some MMA training, he put out some rap albums. Four to be precise. That's more than Dr. Dre. Believe it or not, his first album, Shaq Diesel, even went Platinum. And who wouldn't buy an album with such classics as "I Know I Got Skillz", "I'm Outstanding", "I Hate to Brag" (in that order on the album too), and of course "What's Up Doc? Can We Rock". He also had a Best of Album, which must have been released as a 7 in record. He also did most of the soundtracks for Steel and Kazaam. Man, if only that few people saw Steel, I can't even imagine how many bought that album. Sadly, he has not recorded since 2001. I'm 100% serious when I say that, because nothing compares to his newest hit. I leave you today with the Shaq classic "Hey Kobe, Tell Me How My Ass Tastes"


  1. hahaa this is great. At least Shaq tried doing something other then basketball

  2. The only movie I remember seeing him in was Kazaam. and in that he was pretty not so good :P

  3. He had a rap career???? What lol

  4. Its cool that he can make fun of himself IMO. I used to play that Shaq Fu game all the time lol...

  5. LMAO I love this blog, dude... glad I found it!

  6. Rorshaq..... fucking lol'd hahaha.

  7. Damn shaq is such a badass ;D

  8. Been hearing a lot about Shaq these last few days. Who'd have though that he'd be in so many... "clasic" movies such as these?

  9. I still remember the snes games, they where as bad as the movies!

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  10. Shaq is a pretty funny guy.

  11. #5 I got this game for the mega drive

  12. All terrible movies

  13. Lol wow, I didn't entirely hate his rap. At least it looks like he's having fun up there.

  14. I just watched her video from his twitter, sad news :/

  15. Shaq is whack he can't act he can't sing he def can't act and as a rapper lol foreal? The only reason people gave him a chance is because of his personality. He's funny as hell former brake dancer, but he looks like a person who would be mad fun to chill with. That's why they gave him movie deals and rap contract cuz he is a people person. Unfortunately nobody told Shaq he was horrible at rhymin and even worst as an actor. The fact that he was one of the greatest players in the league didn't affect his image. Regardless people Dnt forget either . Lfmaao...