Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Transformers vs Bayformers
Transformers 3: Turn Off The Dark Of The Moon comes out tomorrow. And tomorrow is not Friday, so I'm all screwed up here. Lets look at the first two Transformer movies.
First off, I was never big into the Transformer cartoon, and the toys were only ok. They weren't nearly as cool as the commercials made them look. Personally, I was G.I. Joe all the way, or at least until Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles took over. But I have no soft-spot in my heart, nor do I have any childhood hatred, for Transformers.
With that being said, Transformers 1 is a horrible movie. I hated it the first time I saw it. I gave it a second chance, and I hated it a second time. Where do I begin? Well how about the plot? This is the entire plot of the movie:
Act 1: Don't let Megatron get the Cube. He'll be invincible!
Act 2: Oh no! Megatron got the Cube. He is invincible!
Act 3: Megatron died because he got the Cube.
What the hell was the point of this movie again?
Really, the biggest problem was it had too large of a cast for its own good. Let's see, we have The Beef and Megan Fox as the two main characters. Both of his parents play very prominent roles, and there's a few other kids at school featured a lot in the beginning. Then we have all the Army guys. The main Army guy who wants to live to see his son again is ripped straight out of Michael Bay's Armageddon, and Tyrese Gibson is doing something or another. Then we have Jon Voight and all suites at Washington DC, none of whom have ever touched a computer in their lives. So they hired some kids to do their jobs for them (for what it's worth, Rachael Taylor >>> Megan Fox), but they can't do their jobs either, so they call up their hacker friends. Then you have the great John Turturro in a degrading role as a "special" agent. And somewhere in all of this is Bernie Mac in his last role released while he was still alive (prehumously?).
Man, that is a lot of actors, but doesn't it seem like we are forgetting someone? Oh yeah, the Transformers. I figured beforehand that the Transformers would be the main characters of Transformers, but I was wrong. But it is just as well really, the Transformers all had less character than an actual electric transformer. With the exception of Bumblebee -- and only because he is brighter-than-the-sun yellow -- all the Formers are completely indistinguishable and interchangeable. That big fight at the end? I had no clue who was who. And that wasn't because it was too fast, as it was filmed in (the Michael Bay patented) seconds per frame.
Even the filmmakers had trouble telling them apart. Why else would a good Transformer attack a moon rover? And even though their signature skill is being able to transform into a normal vehicle, being robots in disguise and all, they spent most of the film hiding around corners and behind walls. It worked though. Nobody noticed the five giants just chilling on top the Hover Dam.
The movie was bad, and I feel bad just thinking about it. Yet, it seemed like the entire world was just absolutely in love with it when it first came out. Well, that all changed when the sequel was released, and people retroactively hated the original. Since I'm burnt out now, I'll rip into the sequel tomorrow.