Wednesday, August 3, 2011

What to Look Forward to in August

The Best film with August in the title. Also somehow, the worst film with August in the title..

Here is everything worthwhile coming out in August and then some.

Aug 5th
Rise of the Planets of the Apes (formally known as Conquest of the Planet of the Apes formally known as Rise of the Apes formally known as Caesar formally known as Caesar and the Rise of the Apes formally known as... they seriously need to just stick to a title)
A stoner (James Franco) becomes a scientist and makes smart monkeys. What do you expect to happen?This looks pretty good, but is there going to be anything left to see? The previews must have shown us the entire movie by now.
Hype Level = A million times Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes

The Change-up
An upper middle class white family man (Jason Bateman) switches bodies with an upper middle class white ladies man (Ryan Reynolds). What crazy shenanigans could they get into to?
Hype Level = New and Exciting </sarcasm>

Whisker Wars
A reality show on IFC about people trying to grow the world's longest beards. Yeah, it is a slow TV month.
Hype Level = Do I even get IFC?

Aug 12th
30 Minutes Or Less
A pizza boy (Jesse Eisenberg) gets and bomb strapped to him by two formally funny people (Danny McBride and Nick Swardson) . Based on a tragic true story. Except this is a comedy. From the director of Zombieland, which means it may not be a comedy after all.
Hype Level = People are really excited for this?

Final Destination 5
People Die. They "rebooted" the series after FD3 with The Final Destination, but now they are back to the old numbers. Seriously, just stick to a title.
Hype Level = Quite frankly, one of the best uses of 3D

Aug 19th
Conan The Barbarian
Jason Momoa from Game of Thrones plays pretty much the same character he did in Game of Thrones. Except with more killing and less walking. Probably the same amount of sex. Btw, this did indeed stick with the R rating after flirting with going soft.
Hype Level = Less than Arnold's Conan but more than Conan the Destroyer

Fright Night
Dr. Who is a vampire. He makes fun of those sissy Twilight vampires, but isn't that far away from one of those himself.
Hype Level = Don't care about Dr. Who or the original Fright Night, so they cancel out into being just ok

One Day
Anne Hathaway falls in love. It's like An Education but more gushy.
Hype Level = Unless I find a girlfriend quick, I won't be seeing this

Aug 23
Deus Ex: Human Revolution (PC, PS3, X360)
The cyberpunk prequel to the original Deus Ex, one of the finest video games ever made. More or less, it is the thinking man's first person shooter.
Hype Level = It looks great, don't let the classic gaming elitists get you down.

Aug 26
Our Idiot Brother
Lovable druggie Paul Rudd mooches off his sisters. It's like You, Me, and Dupree, but probably not horrible.
Hype Level = I wish Paul Rudd was my brother.  

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
Guillmero del Toro puts his name all over a movie despite having nothing to do with it. But he does have a good track record of picking out good movies. The Orphanage is a must see for horror fans.
Hype Level = OH MY GOD PLEASE stop showing the trailer late at night. I really want to get some sleep.

Aug 29
Death Valley
A new comedy/drama on MTV where the LAPD fights vampires and zombies and stuff.
Hype Level = What does the "M" in MTV stand for? Moronic? Moneyhat? I have no idea.

Are you ready for some footbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal! The NFL owners and players finally agreed to a deal, so that solves one lockout. However, unlike the NBA, the NFL actually makes money.
Hype Level = I'm a Rams fan. There's no hype.

Back to School
Speaking as a college graduate, all these back to school ads are making me really depressed.
Hype Level = Summer Forever


  1. "A reality show on IFC about people trying to grow the world's longest beards. Yeah, it is a slow TV month."

    well that sounds... interesting xD

    "grow faster beard, GROW FASTER!!!"

  2. i am disappointed by hollywood productions but i will be picking up Deus Ex when i am back from vacations at the end of august

  3. Come on, the best part about being an adult is reveling in the back-to-school ads and how they torture kids!
    Your assessment of all the August offerings are perfect except you forget that Anne Hathaway is incapable of remaining fully-clothed when a camera is around. There hasn't been a movie since 2009 without Anne Hathaway's boobs in it. I recorded a backyard barbecue in June, and when I watched it back, imagine my surprise to see Anne Hathaway's boobs with Samuel L. Jackson narrating.

  4. I'm looking forward to Don't be afraid... and Apes. Everything else I can take or leave. I'm still somewhat disappointed that they're remaking Fright Night and Conan. I'll probably still see both of them.

  5. I'm looking forward to "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" and "30 Minutes or Less".